Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Fear

Hello everyone!

So it's been a while, but let's face it, sometimes life gets a little too crazy and we don't have time to pause and write a post about something right?

Everyone deals with stress and fear right? Let's just say we all have troubles and difficult situations we have to go through, but that's life and the important thing is how we choose to deal with those issues. So I am, on average a very fearful and very stressed out woman. I tend to stress myself out over the littlest things.

But the truth is, I am scared. I am so scared of what people will think of me. I fear judgement, judgement of others which would then lead to judgement of myself. I am scared that eventually, I will start believing that people are judging me, or believing what people are saying about me.

I fear disapointment. I am scared of failing, at anything, be it washing the dishes, doing simple household or daily living chores, or decisions in life. What career do I choose? How do I know which job is fit for me? Are the people I am hanging out with really my friends? Will they betray me?

I fear heartbreak. I have been through a lot of heartbreak in the past year. I have faced betrayal on many occasions, and deaths. I am still mourning the loss of a friend, and the stress of everyday life. I am not too sure how much longer I can handle this.

To be honest, there are days where I don't want to do anything. I don't even care, which is definitely not the type of person I usually am. I care all too much about other people. I don't want to upset anyone, I want other people to be happy, and forget to make myself happy. Sometimes I feel like giving up.

Then something drastic happens.

This past week, I got in an accident. I was driving home from the city, at around 10:30pm, I saw a shadow, so I started slowing down. As I got closer to the darkness, I saw a moose in the middle of the highway. I immediately slammed on the breaks and swerved to the right. The moose ran to the right and so I hit it straight on. As soon as I saw the moose I started screaming, and when I hit it, I ducked in front of me, and shut my eyes, all while turning the wheel to the right and slamming on the breaks. I am not going to lie and make people think I had this massive injury. I honestly had ZERO injuries, and I was very lucky. As soon as I got in my accident, I called my parents and they called 9-1-1. The firemen, the police, and the paramedics/first responders showed up, and helped me through the anxiety I was facing. The paramedic told me that usually these types of accidents result in instant death and or major injuries. I couldn't believe what had just happened, I couldn't stop crying, I was shaking so much that they thought I was freezing. I didn't know what to think, but all I kept thinking of was: I could have died.

All these past weeks, thinking about suicide, thinking my life wasn't worth it, thinking I wasn't good enough, all those negative thoughts were erased by this one thing that could have taken my life away.

I still am insecure, fearful, and very much stressed, but although this accident was a bad thing, I feel as though I needed it.

This was God's plan, for me to realize something. To realize that my life IS worth it. I need to KEEP trying, and NEVER give up. Although there are a lot of things that scare me, and stress me out. I need to PUSH through those difficulties in order to live a long life.

Lots of Love
xoxo
Réa Réa